I am making plans to curl up in a blanket and enjoy a warm cup of tea. But I also want to jump into a freezing cold shower and shout YES to the cold hard truth that change is painful— but necessary.
I am gazing out into the horizon. I see the beautiful peaks and carved valleys. I want to plan my approach, set guide posts along the way, and celebrate each one I reach. But I also yearn to be happy where I am. I want to be content in not knowing whether or not my legs will carry me toward the place I set out for.
I am going to bed early each night. I want to practice my cozy rituals of unwinding, decompressing, taking off the cloak of the day, letting myself land in a soft place. I also want to go outside late at night, look up at the stars, breathe in the cold night air, and respond to the beauty with a loud belly laugh.
I’ve decided to read all the books on my shelf. I need to get lost in stories, and understand different perspectives. I want to learn from people who have outlined a subject with beauty and wisdom. But I also want to put the books down. I am acknowledging the wealth of wisdom that is held in my own container. I realize most answers I need to uncover are hidden in my own heart.
I want to put my nose to the grinding stone. I want to become one with the flow of inspiration and passion. I want to keep working, even when it feels like there are no more words left to write, and no more steps left to take. I’ll also let go. I want to let people, places, and projects be who and what they are. I’ll be open to different outcomes than expected.
I want to acknowledge my inner critic. I want to hear all her doubts and validate her reasons. I will sit down with her and attempt to understand why. I also want to hold her hand, and walk towards everything that scares her. I want to explain how living a fulfilling life means being vulnerable, taking huge risks, and creating things that some might not understand.
I am learning this is possible. I can be light, stubborn, open, regimented, adventurous, sad, free, spontaneous, anxious, and willing- all at once. It’s called being human.